Insights on Power from “Unbound, a Woman’s Guide to Power”
While you might think the secrets unveiled by a dominatrix involve debauchery and bossiness, Urbaniak relies on her experience as a Taoist nun just as much as her femme domme persona in her book of tips to unlock your power.
This is a fascinating book about how to practice and de-program yourself from the freeze response in intimidating situations and have more control, empowering yourself in the process.
Kasia has spent time as both a dominatrix and studying to be a Taoist nun, and brings these seemingly different disciplines together to explain the power of attention and how to control the flow of a conversation or encounter to get what you want – participating with the person rather than withdrawing or attempting to steam-roll. Empowering yourself takes honing these skills.
1. Avoid freezing like a deer in headlights by directing the spotlight back at the other person
She covers a number of really important topics in the book, like how to control the flow of attention, how to ask for things in either a dominant or submissive way, how to know what you want, and how to avoid “the freeze”. That moment where you are catcalled or ridiculed with a sexist comment or openly disrespected and instead of speaking up for yourself you have a freeze response.
You know when you’re really going to feel like you’re strong and powerful? When you can rely on yourself to speak, no matter how inappropriate the question or how badly it triggers you. When you can navigate another person’s opposition to your ideas with generosity and skill, recognizing it as an opportunity for intimacy or access to critical information instead of seeing it as a slammed door. When you can ask anyone for anything, and greet even the hardest no with a sense of humor and persistence and curiosity.
It takes practice to deftly handle these situations but with some practice you can feel truly empowered in difficult situations, and when asking for things you want and need.
2. Put effort into understanding your needs
Many of us have spent so much time pleasing others, being the good girl and anticipating their needs that we have neglected our own. And when you have ignored your own needs for years you may have completely forgotten how to tune into them.
Then when we do get the gall to ask for things or advocate for ourselves we negotiate against ourselves! She warns us against this and gives strategies on how to make the big Ask, whether it’s a raise at work or more help around the house.
Most of the time, women don’t even ask for 80 percent. We ask for 20 percent of what we want. Before we even make the Ask, we’re negotiating against ourselves. “I want to try that fancy French restaurant, but he’ll never go for that on a weeknight. I guess we can go to the place on the corner instead.” This is a case where even 99 percent right is 100 percent wrong.
3. Be authentic, your words should match your feelings and intentions.
Urbaniak tells us it’s important for your ask has congruence, meaning that your feeling, tone, words and body language all match up. For example you can’t be angry but pretending to be sweet or you will come off as insincere or dangerous. That congruence aligns with true authenticity. Power achieved through politics, deception or extortion are not what we are after. We are talking about power derived from influence and authenticity, and when we present what we want with authenticity, we invite others to create this new reality with us and share in that joy.
Congruence is what occurs when your attention—your body’s language—is aligned with your intentions and words. It’s hard to define but impossible to deny when felt or witnessed. You may have heard it called “embodiment,” “alignment,” “integrity,” “resonance,” or “the law of attraction”; I believe it to be a human being’s natural state.
4. When you get a win, take time to celebrate
We often spend so much time planning and plotting and being anxious about the future that even when we have a victory we don’t take time to celebrate. Not only does celebration reinforce your worth and build your self-confidence, it is a true time to revel in your success that you have earned.
If you can’t treat yourself now, when will you be able to? Seize the moment!
But when you build your library of wins, you strengthen your attunement to your inner signal and reinforce what that win felt like for you, in your body—which changes how you choose in the future.
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