It may feel at times that other people have this friend thing all figured out. You’ll see on social media that people are taking beach trips with their gal pals, or wearing matching t-shirts for nights out, and it feels like you are missing out on all the fun. This is most likely an example of that social media FOMO – reality distortion. Real friendships aren’t just taking trips together, they involve emotional openness and consideration. So how can you build these types of friendships in your life? Have you been meeting the wrong people? Or is it you that is the problem?! 😬
Developing Friendships Takes Time
University of Kansas researcher Jeffrey Hall studied how many hours it takes friendships to form. On average, he found it takes between 40 and 60 hours to move from acquaintances to casual friends, from 80 to 100 hours to become friends, and over 200 hours of togetherness before rating someone as a best friend.
He identified important distinctions on how the time should be spent to improve the closeness of the relationship. Small talk served to distance or keep the relationship neutral. Spending time together at work or school (in a group where you don’t choose who spends time there) meant lasting friendships were less likely to develop.
Certain communication episodes, such as meaningful conversation, catching up, joking around, and affectionate communication, are associated with a higher degree of in-the-moment closeness and well-being than do all other types of everyday talk.
Hall
Because it takes hours of investment to develop and keep friendships, we experience an opportunity cost when we take time from our family obligations to spend time with friends. The basic math means that as we get more friends, we end up spending less time with each one of them. It takes planning and dedication to develop these friendships.
What Gets in the Way of Good Friendships?
We all want others who support us to be there when we need them, and to have besties who can lean on us. Practicing the skills of good friendship will help you grow your set of rando acquaintances into a more tight knit gal gang.
In one of my circles, we talked about some of the things that may get in the way of us having stronger friendships or meeting new friends.
- Being afraid to be honest about our feelings or confront someone when they cross a boundary.
- Being unwilling to ask for help when we need it, so we don’t “put people out.”
- Not dedicating the time that it takes to let the friendship develop from awkward acquaintances to comfortable friends.
- Getting too nervous to ask for someone’s number or to hang out that first time.
In order to develop your relationships you have to be willing to bring yourself in an authentic and vulnerable way, sharing enough and making it safe for others to share as well. We also have to empower each other to co-create together the experience we want to have. This well-researched guide from the New York Times is an interesting read about the value of friendship and how to be a good friend.
The article shared some research showing that as we stare up an actual hill we need to climb and our backpacks are weighted down, that the climb literally seems less steep if there is a friend standing next to us. One of many reasons to put effort into our real life friendships rather than scrolling the night away watching TikToks.
Benefits of Good Friendships
In addition to making the hills of life seem less steep, friendships have often been found to support living longer, healing faster, and weathering the storms of life. Friendships can be even more of an important support system than a spouse, as studies have found.
Friending Cheat Sheet
So what are some important tips for developing good friendships and making them last?
- Listen more than talk, check in to see how they are doing (and remember what they told you about last time)
- Reveal deeper parts of yourself (gradually): Sharing too much too fast is a sign of codependency.
- Ask for help and it will improve your friendship because people like to help others
- Be there for your friend when they need support, whether just with a listening ear, or proactively being of service to help
- Prioritize real life actual quality time, not social hearts
- Consistency matters
- Small gestures matter
Mindy Kaling has her own snarky list of Best Friend’s Rights and Responsibilities – check out my take on them in this post.
Friendship No-No’s
- Emotional dumping: While its good to be able to things that upset you with a friend, make sure you are not treating them as a therapist and just dumping negativity on them.
- Leaving messages on read. We all have trouble keeping up with email and texts sometimes, but making sure you respond to friends within a reasonable time lets them know you consider them worth the time, and that you think of them.
- Flaking on plans. If you need to cancel plans, make sure you are proactive about scheduling the make-up and considerate of your friends’ time.
- Freeloading. Friendship shouldn’t be tit for tat, with a friendship scoring system. But that doesn’t mean you should let your friends contribute way more time or money to the relationship than you do.
- Disrespect. What’s a little ribbing between friends? It’s no big deal until you won’t let up with insults and disrespectful comments. Nobody wants to be the punching bag. Treat friends with respect.
- Prioritizing your online persona over IRL friends and interactions
Your Making Friends 👯♀️ Homework 📝
Reach out to someone IRL to hang out, to send a letter, or pick up the phone. I did the homework too – reaching out to a best friend from middle school who I hadn’t talked to in over a decade or two! We had a great time catching up over coffee during my business trip.
People are more touched than we think, when we reach out to them after not having contact for a while. The element of surprise in receiving a note or letter from you may make it even more delightful to the recipient. So don’t let your hesitance get in the way of reaching out and making someone’s day. (Liu, 2022)
Be Yourself
All we have to do is be ourselves, fully and authentically. We don’t have to run after anything. We already contain the whole cosmos.
We simply return to ourselves through mindfulness, and touch the peace and joy that are already present within us and all around us.
I have arrived. I am already home. There is nothing to do.
Aimlessness, nonattainment, is a wonderful practice.
You Have Already Arrived – Thich Nhat Hanh
Extra Credit, Learn More About Friendship
- Check out these “friend date” ideas for inspiration on what to plan for your next friend outing.
- I have used these free printable connection cards from LeanIn.org to facilitate getting-to-know you conversations in meetings, workshops, or small women’s circles.
- Create a compliment jar that you can surprise a friend with.
- If you hate writing letters but want to send a clever surprise, consider a Greetabl box for your friend.
- Try a non-social media app to get closer to friends, such as BeReal, Retro, MarcoPolo or open source communities like Discord for a private server with your friends
- The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters by Priya Parker is a wonderful book about how to plan gatherings with intention
- Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way we Live, Love, Parent and Lead by Brene Brown
- Sappho was a Poet Who Had a Finishing School for Women – be creative about how you get your girl squad together
