“Mom, what’s for dinner?” is probably my least favorite phrase in the world to hear. If you feel the same way, and want to figure out how to banish it once and for all, let’s talk about Mental Load.

The Hidden Burden

Have you ever found yourself feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of tasks that seem to endlessly pile up in your mind? This often unspoken struggle is known as the mental load. It primarily affects women, leading to an emotional toll that can impact various aspects of life, including wearing away at family and romantic relationships.

In this article, I’ll talk you through what I learned from Rodsky’s book, we will explore understanding mental load, introduce Fair Play, and share practical tips for managing the mental load in daily life. I even have a few tools and a step-by-step on how to meet with your family and talk this out.

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woman struggles with mental load, crouching

Understanding the Mental Load

Definition of the Mental Load

The mental load refers to the invisible burden of managing and organizing tasks, responsibilities, and decision-making. It encompasses not only physical chores but also emotional and cognitive labor that often goes unnoticed. From scheduling and attending doctor appointments, school assignments, car pools, PTA and groceries, to the mental juggling of meal planning, chore routines and organization… there are a lot of things in our modern life that can bog you down mentally.

When this comic that went viral in 2017, the concept of mental load became much more widely recognized.

If this mental (as well as the physical and emotional) labor is not shared equally, one family member bears the brunt of this responsibility and can quickly become overwhelmed.

Impact of the Mental Load on Women

Mental load disproportionately affects women in heterosexual relationships due to societal expectations and traditional gender roles. Some impacts include:

Mental health issues: The ongoing stress and pressure from managing the mental load can contribute to depression and anxiety in women. Depression is twice as common in women compared to men, with the mental load being a primary factor.
Career challenges: Balancing professional ambitions with family responsibilities creates immense pressure on women, hindering career progression. The mental load can make it difficult for women to fully focus on and advance in their careers.
Relationship strain: The unequal distribution of mental and emotional labor often leads to resentment, frustration, and lower relationship satisfaction for women. This can cause tension and conflict in partnerships.
Sleep issues: Women may sacrifice sleep to complete tasks or have trouble falling asleep due to the constant mental checklist, leading to ongoing health issues.
Cognitive impacts: The mental overload can result in memory problems and difficulty concentrating, sometimes referred to as “mommy brain”.
Limited self-care: The burden of managing household and family responsibilities often leaves women with little time or energy for self-care and personal interests.
Economic consequences: The mental load can limit women’s economic independence and opportunities for advancement, contributing to gender inequity in the workplace.
Perpetuation of gender inequality: By shouldering most of the mental load, women inadvertently reinforce traditional gender roles, making it harder to achieve equality in both domestic and professional spheres. Women are also often found taking up the mental and emotional load in the workplace.

Recognizing and addressing this load is crucial for overall well-being. Unfortunately, this will often be work we ourselves must shoulder. But it’s worth it!

Fair Play Framework

Overview of Fair Play by Eve Rodsky

The Fair Play Framework, developed by Eve Rodsky and shared in her book Fair Play, (and a documentary on Amazon or Hulu) is designed to promote equality in household and caregiving responsibilities. It encourages couples to divide tasks fairly, transforming the often hidden mental load into a more visible and shared responsibility.

I tried it.

How to Hold the Family Accountable:

📋 First, create a list of household responsibilities. This was easy for me because I already have tried to manage my family with spreadsheets over the years. I’ll even share my sheets 💻 template with you in case it will help. You know I’m a spreadsheet ninja.
☑️ Have a Meeting and Assign roles. Time for a serious family meeting. Talk to your family about the mental load and that it’s time to agree on how work should be broken up. In Fair Play Rodsky suggests that you can list chores on cards and hand them out. There are Fair Play Cards you can buy for this purpose, make your own, or just work off the spreadsheet. It’s best if the family can take turns volunteering for the tasks they are best at, but hesitant family may need to be volun-told. Each task or responsibility handed out has a clear end to it, and you have some agreement on how the work will get done and how often per week or month.
🚫 Agree on Consequences. If family members don’t own their full share, what are the consequences? A stern word, extra chores, lost allowance? You may also decide certain chores are worth “extra points” and have prizes. Be warned that some may try to game the system.
👐 Let it go. In order for your family members to take responsibility, you have to step back from them doing it your way. They will hold you accountable for completing your share and vice versa. Create a culture of accountability in your household.
🗣️ Communicate. Check in if you want to talk about the balance of the work, and talk to each other about things are going.

This structured approach fosters collaboration and aims to get the family together in solving the problem as a team.

Here’s How it Went

We gathered in the living room together for “a serious meeting” and kicked it off by me explaining that I am tired out from doing the chores and it’s time that we all took responsibility. The family meeting was met with an acceptable level of seriousness. We agreed that we would try out this initial arrangement and change things around if it didn’t work well.

Mom does the house laundry 2x a week and does the grocery shopping and meal planning.
Dad does the dishes and loads the dirties into the dishwasher daily. He also strings the tennis rackets and deals with bugs.
Teen takes out the trash and recycle, feeds the dog, and empties the dishwasher daily. Teen preps his own lunches and snacks.
The family generally splits or works together on the rest, aside from help with cleaning and yardwork we are lucky that we can afford.
It was important for me to also talk about some of the other big jobs that get done annually, such as present-buying and filing taxes.

It may have been a bit rocky at first, but now that we have gotten into a groove, the family all keeps up their responsibilities. It’s been a huge relief to me to never have to wash a dish (unless I’d like to help out) and to my husband to never have to fold laundry. Sometimes the chores do get to us but we have agreed we’re willing to rebalance as we feel necessary.

For instance, getting tired of hearing “What’s for dinner, Mom?” I requested that each of the men in the house come up with a dinner meal we can eat once a week. And hubby has requested that I help organize a drawer or closet occasionally.

Healing from Martyrdom

A Long Road

A popular tactic for many women, rather than standing up for ourselves or drawing a boundary, is to do all the work (to prove we are needed) and then silently suffer, or complain after the fact. Many of us were taught not to speak up for ourselves. It takes a lot of practice and self-examination to reverse these passive-aggressive tactics.

I’m not saying that mental load is women’s fault and ours to solve, but rather that we can end up contributing to the problem. Stop taking care of everyone, including fully grown adults!