You may have heard about toxic masculinity but have you heard about toxic femininity? Toxic masculinity has been in the news via stories about the #METOO movement, gender inequality and the glorification of the alpha male behaviors. Toxic femininity exists too. Adherence and enforcement of gender norms for masculinity and femininity can have wide-ranging negative impacts for all types of people and results in toxic masculinity and toxic femininity.
Definition of Toxic Femininity
Toxic femininity is the name used to describe when assumptions and adherence gender norms have a negative impact on people. It refers to the harmful and restrictive societal expectations placed on women and those who identify as feminine. These expectations can include being submissive, passive, emotionally unstable, and overly focused on their physical appearance. Toxic femininity can lead to the policing of women’s behavior and choices, unrealistic beauty standards, and dismissive attitudes towards mental health struggles. It is important to recognize and challenge these harmful gender norms.
Toxic femininity appears on social and traditional media. In some ways, toxic femininity is seen as a reaction to toxic masculinity, and it can manifest as overt or subtle forms of behavior. For example, toxic femininity can include things like perpetuating negative stereotypes about women, promoting destructive beauty standards, or engaging in manipulative or controlling behavior. It can also involve using gender as a weapon to shame or belittle others, or to gain power and control in a given situation. Ultimately, toxic femininity is an issue that affects both men and women, because all of these gender expectations create pressure for each gender to only display certain traits or otherwise be regarded as inferior.
Signs of toxic femininity:
- Judging, shaming, and punishing women for their beauty, aging, sexual and reproductive choices
- Women discriminating against other women in the workplace (“there is only room for one of us to be in power”) or being jealous and envious of other women.
- Religious texts and doctrine claiming women are the source of sin, an evil temptation, and responsible for the sins of men
- Implication that women are inferior to men and should not be leaders in business or the home
- Viewing women as merely adornments or sexual objects to be dominated, women using sexuality as a barter for affection and love.
- Being passive-aggressive or dealing with situations passively because it is inappropriate for women to be angry or display assertiveness. Playing victim to avoid responsibility. Using manipulation, drama and guilt to control situations.
- Double-standards on behavior that women are allowed to display vs men. (Such as age gaps in relationships, sexual behavior and abuse, military conscription, child custody.)
What is the different between toxic femininity and toxic masculinity?
Toxic femininity and toxic masculinity are both harmful behaviors and attitudes that are associated with gender roles. However, they differ in the way they manifest and affect individuals and societies.
Toxic masculinity refers to the adherence to traditional male gender roles, which can lead to the belief that men must be dominant, aggressive, emotionless, and physically strong, among other traits. These expectations can result in harmful behaviors like sexism, misogyny, homophobia, and violence against women and marginalized groups.
On the other hand, toxic femininity refers to the conforming to negative gender stereotypes of women, which can manifest in behaviors like manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, excessive emotional dependence, and the promotion of unhealthy beauty standards. These attitudes can lead to the perpetuation of self-harm, eating disorders, and other mental health issues among women.
Both toxic femininity and toxic masculinity are problematic and can lead to damaging consequences. It is important to challenge and dismantle these gender norms and expectations and promote healthier attitudes and behaviors for all individuals.
Why Do We Keep Talking About Gender?
Gender has become a hot topic in recent years, with many people wondering why we still talk about it so much. The answer is simple: gender inequality is still a pervasive issue worldwide. Despite significant progress in women’s rights and gender equality, women still face significant obstacles in almost every aspect of life, from education and employment to politics and social norms.
Additionally, the conversations around gender have expanded beyond the binary male/female construct to include the intersections of gender, sexuality, race, and ethnicity. This intersectionality has further illuminated the ways in which gender-based discrimination affects individuals differently.
If we don’t start to see through the pre-defined gender roles and expectations, we won’t be able to make choices about how we behave and what we expect from others, and improve these assumptions for all of us.
Causes of Toxic Femininity
- Socialization: Women are often socialized to prioritize their relationships with others above their own needs and desires. This can lead to a tendency to manipulate or control others in order to maintain those relationships, or to engage in passive-aggressive behavior.
- Internalized misogyny: Women who have internalized misogynistic beliefs may see other women as competition, rather than as allies. This can lead to a lack of empathy or compassion for other women, and a tendency to put others down in order to elevate oneself.
- Trauma: Women who have experienced trauma in their lives may develop toxic behavior patterns as a coping mechanism. For example, a woman who has experienced sexual assault may become hyper-vigilant and controlling in her relationships as a way to protect herself from future harm.
- Cultural and religious influence: Popular culture often perpetuates harmful stereotypes about women, such as the “mean girl” trope or the idea that women are naturally catty and competitive. Or the “good girl” persona that girls are always obedient. Maybe the “virginal” trope that women shouldn’t enjoy sex or have a sex drive. Exposure to these messages can normalize toxic behavior or passive behavior and make it more difficult for women to recognize when they are engaging in it.
Overall, toxic femininity is a complex issue that arises from a variety of factors. It is important to recognize and address it. Modern feminism (far from a “man-hating” movement) is focusing on the impacts of gender norms and double-standards for both genders, and on reversing inequality.
How to Release Toxic Femininity and Embrace Positive Femininity
- Build your confidence and self-esteem so that you do not feel the desire to build yourself up by judging or putting others down. Improving your self-esteem will also allow you to be more free to express yourself fearlessly in ways that feel right to you.
- Practice self-reflection and self-awareness through practices such as meditation or journaling, creative expression like art.
- Consider “shadow work” which will help you to better understand the “darker sides” of yourself and be more accepting (book recommendation below).
- Seek therapy or coaching to help you understand the sources of your toxic femininity and how to heal.
- Embrace and express the ways you wish to define your feminine energy by exploring feminine expressions, practices and traditions that resonate with you. Challenge traditional beauty standards and aim to “wear yourself” to make yourself happy, rather than meet others’ expectations. Look to balance your feminine and masculine energies.
- Practice identifying tropes (femininity tropes and masculinity tropes) and stereotypes in media so that you can critically challenge them rather than passively accepting them as true.
- Consider exploring positive role models of femininity, from ancient religion to historical and current figures. Be selective with your media and reading materials.
I offer coaching for women in the form of women’s circles and one-on-one coaching. Set up time with me to learn about divine femininity and crafting ways to express yourself that reflect your values and goals.
Resources:
- Owning Your Own Shadow, Robert Johnson
- Women’s Reality, Anne Wilson Schaef
- Sacred Voices: Essential Women’s Wisdom Through the Ages, Mary Ford-Grabowsky
- Journey of Awakening: A Meditator’s Guidebook, Ram Dass
- Ms. Magazine, a Feminist News Publication
- A Woman’s Book of Rituals and Celebrations, Barbara Ardinger
